In Emotion Focused Therapy, we conceptualise anxiety like a smoke detector. It functions to alert us to danger so that we can become hyperaware of something that needs to be dealt with. You can see in the right dose, this is helpful. It might motivate us to get an assignment done by the due date, it might prompt us to check the front door is locked to protect us from an intruder, or it might alert us to avoiding someone dangerous when we hear their voice. We can see with these examples, the anxiety is functioning in a way to help and protect us.

The issue becomes, when anxiety is occurring in levels that are too high, or when there is no threat or anything to solve. This usually stems from past unresolved issues.

When we leave our wounds unhealed, we can begin to live from them. We can justify how we treat others and ourselves based on our pain. Truthfully, this can become prideful, because when we operate this way, we can start to centre our experience as absolute reality and refuse to be corrected. We can stop allowing space for realising situations are almost always more nuanced, and subsequently, we can behave disrespectfully.

It is prideful when we elevate our feelings above what is right, respectful, and loving. This is self-preservation at the expense of treating people with decency.

I don’t say this with judgment, but rather, to build awareness. I understand this all stems from pain, but this pain is our responsibility to heal. So it’s vital we reflect and ask ourselves: Am I actually working to be a healthier version of myself in conflict, or is holding onto my unhealed wounds more important?