Emotions Are Not Facts: What happens when we operate out of our wounds in conflict?

Now, I am the last person who would tell you to ignore your emotions. In fact, as a counsellor, I use Emotion Focused Therapy. That is how important I believe emotions are.

However, while we were created with emotions and need to give them space to be experienced, as suppressing them is also very harmful, we must remember this: emotions are not facts.

Don’t get me wrong, our emotions are there to help us survive and thrive, and can be accurate to what is happening. But when it comes to difficult situations and conflict, we often project old wounds onto current circumstances because something feels familiar and we want to avoid being hurt again.

The reality is this: your feelings are important and need to be tended to, but they can also be inaccurate reflections of the way you see someone during conflict.

Unhealed Wound Behaviours

This is where things can go wrong. If we have not worked on our wounds, we may respond in unhealthy ways when we feel hurt or someone communicates hurt. In those moments, we often convince ourselves that our response is justified.

Here are some examples:

• Ghosting

• Prematurely Cutting People Off

• Gossiping

• Unfairly Invalidating Other’s Emotions

• Emotionally Withdrawing e.g. silent treatment

• Delayed Communication

• Tit-for-tat: bringing up something you’re upset about as soon as someone communicates a hurt with you

• Unreasonable Standards

• Jumping to Conclusions

• Expecting Them to “Just Know”

• People Pleasing

• Defensiveness

• Gaslighting

• Passive Aggression

• Being Harsh

• Refusing to defend someone clearly wronged to “keep the peace”

These behaviours are often an attempt to avoid our uncomfortable feelings during conflict.

We might gossip to be validated because we don’t want to put ourselves through the discomfort of having an assertive conversation with the person who hurt us. We might people please to not cause “issues” by upsetting someone. We might prematurely cut someone off or emotionally withdraw because we feel attacked, betrayed or even, inconvenienced.

What we fail to consider is that present situation involves different people than our past. Someone may be healthy but imperfect, it may be a misunderstanding, or we may have misinterpreted their actions entirely. When we treat our feelings as facts, we risk responding to something that is not actually true and causing damage to our relationships with our unhealthy ways of coping.

So what is the deeper issue?

Operating With Pridefulness

When we leave our wounds unhealed, we can begin to live from them. We can justify how we treat others and ourselves based on our pain. Truthfully, this can become prideful, because when we operate this way, we can start to centre our experience as absolute reality and refuse to be corrected. We can stop allowing space for realising situations are almost always more nuanced, and subsequently, behave disrespectfully.

It is prideful when we elevate our feelings above what is right, respectful, and loving. This is self-preservation at the expense of treating people with decency.

I don’t say this with judgment, but rather, to build awareness.

I understand this all stems from pain. We may have been met with constant invalidation about our emotions when we were growing up. We may have lost friends in the past as soon as we communicated a hurt or boundary. We need to give ourselves compassion about this, but still realise, these wounds are our responsibility to heal.

So it’s vital we reflect and ask ourselves: Am I actually working to be a healthier version of myself in relationships, or is holding onto my unhealed wounds more important?

My People Pleasing Past

I’ve had to work through this myself, especially people pleasing.

I avoided conflict because I feared being seen as not good enough or being abandoned if someone became upset with me.

Instead of expressing my feelings, I would stay silent, apologise for things that weren’t mine to own, or become defensive, trying to prove I was right so the other person had no reason to be upset. At times, I would even distance myself first out of fear of being abandoned.

Even when I wanted a relationship to end, I would ghost or downplay the truth because I wasn’t comfortable being honest and facing their response.

At its core, people pleasing is driven by discomfort of others’ reactions. It elevates avoidance over truth, authenticity, and respect. It also denies others the chance to adjust or receive proper closure.

In reality, people pleasing is self abandonment of your feelings, needs, and boundaries. It can also lead to neglecting others, as you avoid addressing issues or speaking up against mistreatment. It is a form of manipulation because it creates a false sense of peace, where everything appears fine when it isn’t. All because of unhealed wounds.

And if you think about it, does that feel respectful to yourself or to others?

Healing My Wounds

So I had to do the work. I had to confront my wounds and process the experiences that led me to operate this way. I had to learn to pause before reacting to triggered emotions rooted in my past.

Then I’d begin to ask myself: Is there actually danger here? Is this a safe person I can communicate and set boundaries with? If they abandon me after I communicate or upset them, is that really a safe relationship to have anyway?

I learned to start valuing my own experience and express my needs, while treating others with the same respect I desire. If I’d want the chance to healthily resolve an issue instead of being people pleased, gossiped about, or ghosted, then I’d need to offer that same opportunity to others.

Of course, I still encountered situations that triggered my wounds, and people who responded negatively when I assertively communicate.

In some cases, I was aware someone was in defence mode, and I would need to give them space to digest. Later, they apologised and we were able to resolve the conflict. Even healthy people get defensive sometimes.

In other cases, I was aware that no attempt at healthy communication would be received well by some people, based on their past unwillingness to take accountability. As a result, I would step back with how involved I was in their life, or I would end the relationship.

But, I refused to be led by the lie that everyone who reminds me of my past will abandon me.

Because that kind of thinking leads to isolation, even from healthy people. And that sounds rather lonely, does it not?

Remember: If we don’t learn to handle our emotions in a healthy way, our relationships will always suffer.

Moving Towards Healthy Functioning in Relationships

Emotions are a gift, but they were never meant to lead us without reflection. When we allow unhealed wounds to shape how we see others and respond in relationships, we risk creating the very pain we are trying to avoid.

Healing is not about ignoring what you feel, but learning to discern it, process it, and respond in a way that is grounded in truth, respect, and love.

As we move forward, the question is not whether we will feel triggered, but how we will choose to respond when you are. Conflict is inevitable in relationships. Repair is a choice.

Repair involves accountability and assertive communication that allows both people to have their voices heard, needs met and healthy boundaries respected. Repair creates authentic relationships, and builds trust.

Will you continue to operate from old wounds, or will you commit to healing and showing up differently?

If you need help dealing with your unhealed wounds, you can book a counselling session with me. Let’s tackle this together!